Thursday, 30 January 2014

30th January 2014

Today has been pretty uneventful.
I went to work, it's tough at the moment and I feel that there may be more redundancies. Hopefully I'll stay safe as i think is struggle to find somewhere else so flexible.
The spa that I wanted to book for M and I for valentines day is fully booked so I've booked a nice hotel in Harrogate and told him to research where to eat, he loves stuff like that.
Treated H and I to a take out, oink oink!

Tomorrow should be good. Meeting a bunch of internet ladies for the first time!


So, I am me.
For a long, long time I wasn't but now I am.
For a long time I was in an angry,frustrated postnatal fuzzyheaded state, which i've since been told isn't so rare.
So, where to start? I think to start with, I'll just throw some of my story out there, by no means do I expect this to be noticed in blog land but I figured that it'd be nice to have somewhere to come empty my head.

So, Hi.

I am 29 and a single mother to a nearly 2 year old son, H. I work in a call centre and currently have a boyfriend, M who is amazing.
I've had a rough few years, I was with my sons father for around 9 years, things ended shortly after H was born after I found out that he was having an affair with my closest friend.
That in itself was a kick in the teeth. It took around 5 years to bring a baby home. I'd suffered from countless (actually, I know the exact number, 7) miscarriages and a still birth. We'd both had all the tests and they found that I had a blood condition, anti phosphollipid antibody syndrome. Basically, when i'm pregnant, my body sees the baby as a foreign object and causes clots to spontaneously lose the baby. It can happen at any time during pregnancy. The solution was a cockail of tablets and daily injections of clexane, a blood thinner, to be administered by myself. Scary, but it worked, I have H.

Things were interesting when H was born, I was pretty much alone, muddling through whilst recovering from an emergency c-section. I hadn't taken any parenting classes, my  ex was controlling and had insisted that we couldn't afford them, whilst he was taking his girlfriend (who, by the way was married) on expensive weekends away. I have family but they are not local and I never want to worry people so I tend to tell people that its all rosy. I relied on the internet so much, I made friends online and felt like I finally belonged. For the first four, maybe five months I was a hermit. health visitors were worried about me, kept prescribing anti depressants but in my head I was fine. H was healthy, thriving and my house was spotless. Of course inside I was struggling but its hard to admit that when you're alone and your ex partner constantly tells you how worthless you are and how you are failing as a parent. For all these months I internalised my feelings of failure. One day he just stopped telling me that I was useless. My mood lifted, I started getting out to baby groups, meeting people. I moved out of 'our' house and into 'my' house.

Life started looking up, I started dating. some of those dates were funny, some were just plain odd. I'll probably write about those in the future.

Right now I am happy. M is amazing, he makes me happy, we have fun. H is still thriving. he's a walking, talking, eating whirlwind.
I wouldn have it any other way!